Your Step-by-Step Guide to Writing a Book During a Global Pandemic

Shakespeare allegedly wrote King Lear while under quarantine.

(And he didn’t even have a typewriter back then, much less a computer. He had to write everything by hand!)

So, you should have no trouble getting that book done, right?

(You know–the one you’ve been talking about forever.)

You’re stuck at home anyway, so why not use your time wisely and finally write The Book?

To help, I’ve complied a step-by-step guide to writing during a global pandemic.

You’re welcome.

Step 1: Set up your workstation.

It’s important to set yourself up for success. You’ll want your workplace situated in a relatively quiet place, so you can concentrate.

Oh, but wait a second. Before you set up your workstation, you’ll need to:

Real Step 1: Clean and sanitize your house.

The coronavirus may have slipped in at some point. Before you do ANY writing, you have to make sure your house is clean and sanitized. The last thing you want once you’re on a roll writing is to get sick!

But wait, do you have enough cleaning agents? Okay, so maybe what you need to do is:

Real REAL Step 1: Go to the store for cleaning supplies.

Although the shelves might very well be bare, so this process may end up taking a few days. Plus, you may have to get up really early each morning and stand in line to grab the supplies before they run out.

Okay, this was a little confusing, so let’s recap to make sure you’ve completed all the preliminary steps:

Step 1: Go to the store for cleaning supplies.

Step 2: Clean and sanitize your house.

Step 3: Set up your workstation.

NOW we’re ready for Step 4.

Step 4: Create an outline.

Oh, but before you create an outline, don’t you want to make sure the house is fully stocked with food? You don’t want to be distracted because you’re out of bread or kale or potato chips.

So, back to the store to stock up on essentials! Depending on what you need, this might take a couple of days, because of those early morning lines.

Okay, back to step 4.

Step 4: Create an outline.

Although … do you have enough toilet paper? Maybe you need to plan a few trips to stock up, just to be sure.

Alright, NOW we’re ready to move on.

Step 4: Create an outline.

But, as you sit down to write an outline, perhaps it occurs to you that maybe you should check the latest news. After all, you don’t want to have missed anything.

Step 4: Create an outline.

Wait, maybe that’s not the real step 4. Maybe there’s research you need to do first.

Real Step 4: Do some research.

Of course, the research ends up taking you in some … interesting directions. Like getting sucked into youtube videos and into an argument on Facebook about coronavirus facts … which then required MORE research, so you could share the pertinent links.

Research is hard.

Step 5: Create an outline.

Finally! Okay, now you’re ready to create an outline.

Although … is it worth it at this point? Maybe the thing to do is binge-watch that new Tiger King documentary on Netflix everyone has been talking about, and start all of this later.

Real Step 5: Take a well-deserved break.

It’s hard work writing a book! You deserve some time off. Plus, those cookies aren’t going to eat themselves.

Step 6: Create an outline.

Actually, it’s not good spending so much time indoors. Maybe you should take a walk first. Not to mention you need the exercise. Walking is good way to stimulate the muse.

Real Step 6: Take a walk.

Much better.

Step 7: Create an outline.

Okay! Now you’re FINALLY ready to sit down and work on your book.

No more distractions. No more anything.

It’s time to write.

Except … now you have writer’s block.

When will this quarantine be over?